Being a Woman in the SQL Community

In celebration of Women’s History Month starting next week, I was asked to write this blog about my experiences as a woman in the SQL Community, and it really got me thinking. At first, I thought I should be very politically correct and only talk about the great stuff and hype up all wonderful experiences I’ve had but then I thought that wouldn’t give a true picture. So, I am writing this as openly and honestly as I can. Here it goes.

The Ugly

I am going to start with the negatives to get those out of the way and draw attention to things that are still happening not only to me but to other women in this community. I don’t want this to be a gripe piece, since that’s not what I do. It is intended to be an honest accounting of my experience. Your experiences will vary, and I am not speaking for anyone else, but know I am not the only woman to have these experiences. I will address the bad and then move on to the fantastic things that this community has to offer for women and what I have been able to achieve because of the opportunities this community has afforded to me.

These are the things that suck about being a woman in the SQL Community that have had an effect on me. I am just going list them without detail, again I am just calling these out so others are aware these things happen.

Seeing Diversity and Inclusion Panels with no women

Having men assume I am there with my husband

Being hit on by random “community” guys in person, on twitter, on linked in, on my website

Being stalked by other male attendees

Being physically assaulted by male attendees (being touched without permission)

Someone assuming I was only selected to speak BECAUSE they needed women

Not being chosen for something BECAUSE I was a woman

Several implying I was given Microsoft MVP award only BECAUSE I was a woman

Needing a male to repeat what I said so my ideas/solution etc. would be heard

Having a male think they need to speak for me

Having people not accept that men and women CAN be good friends and nothing more

Some assuming I got my current job only because they needed a woman on staff, not because of qualifications

The Good

Thankfully, unlike other communities, the SQL Server community is very welcoming to women.  The benefits of being a member of it FAR outweighs the negatives. This community has helped me achieve so much. I am grateful for all the community has afforded me and I give back as much as I can because of it.

Here are some of the opportunities and experiences I’ve gotten, not just because I am a woman but because of being an active part of the SQL community.

Building a network of smart, strong, technical women that you can rely on for questions, support and feedback. Knowing they’ve been there done that too.

Getting a chance to sit on WIT panels regularly with topics dealing with gender issues or career advice

Running a user group

Being a Regional Mentor

Running a SQL Saturday

Being a speaker at conferences and SQL Saturdays

Ability to mentor younger women

Being amplified as an expert in my field (this is HUGE as a woman)

Being a role model as a successful woman to my daughters by being part of this community and giving back

Being an advocate for other women

Writing and being a published blogger

Seeing more and more men attend WIT panels and speak up

Seeing women on panels because they deserve to be there, not because they needed a woman

Being ask directly to speak somewhere because of your knowledge, not because of your gender

Seeing the community come together and speak up when issues with regards to diversity and inclusion come to light.

Having a Board of Directors that takes action when there is a violation to the Anti-Harassment policy

Being turned to for advice on policies

Becoming a Microsoft MVP because of the work I do in this community

The feeling you get after speaking when someone says they learned something

The unwavering support you get from the SQL Family when times are tough

The knowledge there are other women in this community that have been there, done that, and you are not alone.

The “you got this” push you get from the SQL Family that pushes you to venture out of your comfort zone

I could continue to list all the great ways this community has shaped my life and my career but the list would go on and on. Most notably, I even got approached for my last job in part just by my involvement in this community. There is so much to be gained by being a part of it regardless of your gender. We all know there are so many challenges with being a woman in tech. We talk about these all the time. What makes the SQL Community different for me is that we UNDERSTAND that, and we work to continually improve upon it. Having been part of this community for almost a decade, I’ve seen so much change in this for the better. As Rie and I always say, we are grateful for those who have run the gauntlet before us.  We are standing on the shoulders of those women who came before us and fought the good fight. We are blessed to continue to do it for the others that will follow. Thank you, SQL Community, for helping me achieve what I hope will help other women as they rise.

 

 

 

About Monica Rathbun

Monica Rathbun lives in Virginia, is a Microsoft MVP for Data Platform and Microsoft Certified Solutions Expert. She has nearly two decades of experience working with a wide variety of database platforms with a focus on SQL Server and the Microsoft Data Platform. She is a frequent speaker at IT industry conferences on topics including performance tuning and configuration management. She is the Leader of the Hampton Roads SQL Server User Group. She is passionate about SQL Server and the SQL Server community, doing anything she can to give back. Monica can always be found on Twitter (@sqlespresso) handing out helpful tips. You can find Monica blogging at sqlespresso.com 
Bookmark the permalink.

11 Comments

  1. As usual, great post and thank you for writing it. I always look forward to your blog posts.

  2. ^^^ What Greg said. Well-said, Monica. Great post, as usual.

  3. It’s a shame, but I think a lot of those Bad items happen regardless of being a woman in SQL community. I have personally never, to the best of my knowledge, ever treated any of the female peers that way. I actually look up to many of them for how brilliant they are, and the work they do, you included. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to the next post.

  4. Thanks for the post and I appreciate you listing out the good and bad. It helps me to keep thinking more about the struggles people have in this business, whether as a woman or minority.

    Keep up the fantastic work. You’re an inspiration to many, women and men.

  5. Great post Monica. As a fellow WIT I related to what you’re saying …. I can even recall issues in College with professors and fellow students. Ah well, we learn and persevere. Thank you!

  6. Thoughts On ‘Being a woman in the SQL Community’

    Monica, as you so aptly said, “At first, I thought I should be very politically correct and only talk about the great stuff and hype up all wonderful experiences I’ve had but then I thought that wouldn’t give a true picture. So, I am writing this as openly and honestly as I can. Here it goes.”

    ME TOO.

    I just have to respond to this article because the situation is so pervasive in American culture the past few years. Most of you know me through interaction in SQL ServerCentral.com, but just a bit of introduction.

    My career has been entirely in IT, but my undergrad and postgrad educational background was entirely in Psychology and Sociology. In 42 years I worked in IT at eight different companies of varying size and business focus.

    My wife founded, operated and sold two successful technology-based businesses. I have four daughters-in-law, two of which have made successful careers in HR in highly technical fields, manufacturing and medical, with the third partnering with our youngest son to create and own a very successful new business that already last year cranked out a gross of over $1.5 million.

    I guess I have to ask why, in all those years I have never worked in, and my family has never expressed concerns about working in, situations of gender inequality.

    At this point, you probably are wondering why I didn’t mention the fourth daughter-in-law. Let me explain. Our oldest son has been married for over twenty years to a well-educated ( at others expense ) woman who has never since held a paying job. She felt she could stay at home with two daughters, now of late HS and college age, while her husband developed a career and paid all the bills. Ironically, this is the one single family member who is chronically unhappy with her life. I won’t get into my thoughts about that.

    Now, my point is that with all this family exposure to various companies and business and technical workplaces, no one has ever complained, or even talked about, gender,racial or social inequality.

    Now I’m sure that somewhere in all this background, there was certainly the OPPPORTUNITY for FEELINGS of discrimination or inequaltiy to exist. I personally never was in a position where any co-workers expressed such issues, and none of our family has ever talked about problems.

    A related subject we commonly hear discussed is that of bullying. I experienced this three out of my four years in high school, with constant and serious physical and emotional attacks of punching, pushing, tripping, wrestling, name-calling, and other abusive treatment, always in situations of multiple antagonists. I’m sure in those years, since my father served on the Board of Education and was good friends with the Superintendent of Schools, I could have gotten ‘relief’ if I had complained. I never did so, but instead endured on my own and survived.

    I recently ran across a cartoon that expresses the situation very well from my perspective:

    Father to son: “What’s the magic word for getting what you want?”
    Son: ” I’m offended.”

    I’m sure bad situations of many types exist in IT careers the same as in others. And I’m not sayiing these situations are to be tolerated. What I AM saying is that YOU must take responsibility, because the world isn’t going to change.

    One of the amazing things to me in all of this is that coexisting with the whole idea of the ‘Me too’ movement is the world of entertainment and advertising in which women display themsleves in provocative situations and clothing ( or lack of same ) with lines such as ‘Show More of You’.

    A few thoughts and then I’m out of here:

    If your situation is bad, get out of it.
    If you don’t like your ‘rep’, fix it.
    If you’re not selling, quit advertising.
    You can’t change the other guy, only yourself.
    No one but you can make you better.
    I’m a minority of one, and I deal with it.

    All of us, men and women alike, need to take responsibility for our own lives.

    • Rick, congratulations, you’ve single-handedly solved all the world’s problems by … *checks notes* … ignoring what’s happening in the world and going by your own irrelevant observations. How very male of you.

      Have you considered that your experience doesn’t speak for others? Have you considered that privilege has given you a perspective that doesn’t reflect the experiences of others? Have you considered that you’re so utterly obnoxious that no one wants to tell you what’s really happening in the world because you’ll loudly explain that nothing is wrong?

      Look, I don’t know you. I’m sure you’re well-educated, accomplished in your career, and have a successful family. By all accounts, that’s what you’re saying in your reply. What I do know is that your opinion is utterly, utterly irrelevant. You are not a woman, and therefore the best thing you can do is shut up and listen. That’s all.

      No amount of blathering about your relatives is going to convince the innumerable people, who have experienced inequality for hundreds of years, otherwise. Best you be quiet until you have something worth sharing. And given that you’re not a woman, you won’t be sharing one more thought about this topic except to say “I am listening, I understand, and I am sorry.”

  7. This reply is not intended to devalue awareness of the ugliness. I would like to understand, from your point of view, how things have improved over the past 5, 10, or 20 years. Have the occurrences of these unacceptable behaviors decreasing or staying the same?

  8. Hey, Randy, your reply made my day. Thanks for the comments. I’m glad you had the opportunity to express yourself, JUST LIKE I DID.

    I quote: “What I do know is that your opinion is utterly, utterly irrelevant. You are not a woman, and therefore the best thing you can do is shut up and listen. That’s all.”

    With a comment such as that, one can only assume you are a ‘looney lib’. So YOU think my opinion if irrelevant. Why should I care? And further, then why should I care about yours?

    Yes, I’m a man, always have been, always will be. And damn proud of it, Get over it. Knock the chip off YOUR shoulder. So because I’m a man, I’m supposed to just ‘shut up and listen’? And exactly who are you to determine that?

    What are you? Man or woman? Or do you know?

    No I haven’t solved all the world’s problems, but I HAVE solved my own. And the women in my life have probably each already accomplished more than you ever will, given your attitude.

    • When I’m presenting at yet another international conference as an expert in my field, or doing a signing for one of my books, or at a film premiere for one of my films, and you happen to be there, I welcome a chat with you. Perhaps you might have the temerity to insult my mental state or gender identity to my face. Until then, enjoy irrelevance. It becomes you.

      Also, my name isn’t Randy. Reading comprehension clearly isn’t one of your strengths. Your attempts to belittle me reflect more upon your character than mine. I dealt with better bullies in grade school. If I were you, I’d apologize to Monica for besmirching her blog post with your asinine and childish scratchings.

      • I don’t agree with Rick; it shows a lack of understanding and perhaps a reluctance to see the world through another pair of eyes and share in those experiences. They’re not ready. People often don’t realise they’re part of the problem and for some is has to be said change is impossible and for others it takes a lot of effort but crucially some do get there.

        I’ve witnessed and have been on the receiving end of discrimination all of my life and I’ve still got the physical scars to show for it when I’ve stood up for what is right. I’ll continue to do the same today.

        I know it’s frustrating, I know it can make people angry but yet I’ve never once seen a fire put out with fire. I’m certainly a believer in calling out on what I see is wrong and I know 100% you are too, but there’s a better way.

        Using phrases like “how very male of you” or calling them obnoxious is not going to help. Telling someone that they’re irrelevant because they have a different view to yours is also wrong. Used to really pain me but it’s true and until we all accept that and reach out better we’re just going to round and round in circles.

        Look at the above. What was achieved? Absolutely nothing. I could have told exactly you how Rick was going to reply after your first sentence and they did. They weren’t going to stop, think about it and realise they are the problem, they were going to respond exactly as they did. And then there’s a reaction back and now we feel the need to express our status even more, you mention their attempts to belittle you and yet you did the very same thing back in return.

        Bullies never respond to bullying in any other way than just bullying again in grade school or any other stage of life. Some say that bullies only understand one language, theirs, but we’re trying to educate a completely different language and we won’t achieve that until we use it ourselves.

        I’m just glad it stopped there because what often happens is the original message, the one you and I and everyone else are standing up for can get lost and forgotten amongst these types of personal exchanges. Yeah, you could say they brought it on themselves but that isn’t what is important, it’s how all of this ends. It’s this we have to focus on, we all need to improve our engagement and how we increase awareness of the real problem, just like Monicas post has.

        Yes we will meet resistance in many different ways, change will often do that but change is still possible nonetheless and we just have to make the best of each opportunity to help others do that.

Comments are closed